If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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