You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
4 words: hood of his car
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
