guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
