OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
