did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
