We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
