Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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