My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Did I show you my penis last night?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Randomize
