i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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