I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
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