I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Randomize
