The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
