so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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