why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
