I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Randomize