Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
