I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
As shirtless as possible
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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