Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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