I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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