I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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