im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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