she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
