wat bout pragnant strippers??
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
