that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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