If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
