your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
