Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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