I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
