yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
