I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
