The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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