Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
