Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
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