I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You're a waste of cheezeits
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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