At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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