Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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