oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
