when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i dont even know how to be here
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
