You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
