did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
