I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
There's always time for handjobs
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
