half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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