she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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