I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize