well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
