Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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