I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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