I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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