Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
