We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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