he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
