Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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