There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Randomize
