The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
