your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
