I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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