Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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