party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
