Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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