I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
