In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Randomize
